Post by Azonthus on Mar 10, 2005 14:31:47 GMT -5
Eskara1862
doyenne
Posts: 1003
(9/13/04 11:55 am)
Reply
Return to the Sea
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Written for the Dinotopian holiday Return to the Sea. This is kind of alligorical and a little on the artsy fartsy side. Still, I'm happy with it, for the most part.
****
Drums, thunder from afar off call me. I hear them, leading me to the edge of a cliff.
The moon is bright, it's near full light bathing this emtpy world in marble blue. The once verdant grass is now silver in Lunas love.
An etherial figure dances before me, floating upon the light zephyr. She leaps beyond the edge of life, floating on the wings of the wind. Rainbows are in her eyes, stars are in her hair. I see the sun in her smile.
I knew her once. Before, she stayed in my dreams, where she belonged. It's just not right for her to hover there, pulling me into her arms and off into nothing.
Floating, flying, falling, she vanished, and I am visiting the sea.
The oceans mouth opens and swallows me. Cold jars me into the netherworld.
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Hawkeye's Hallucinations
The City of Mists The Waterfall City Registry The Realm of Role Play Journey to Dinotopia Art by Azonthus Hawkeye's Hallucination
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Misty Mountain Nursery
ViraVRaptor
Administrator
I gots power
Posts: 145
(9/13/04 12:27 pm)
Reply Ooh
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That's really pretty, Azzy. And it gives me a nice piccy in my head when I read it.
More stories, want to see more stories from you, yes.
~ Chocolate Thief, that's what I am. I love choccy. Give me. Or I steal...er...borrow? *steals Azzy's chocolate and runs away laughing*
stefan de velociraptor
self-proclaimed
know-it-all
Posts: 59
(12/6/04 11:39 pm)
Reply
Re: Ooh
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yes, very nice. The hint of the tragic is very pretty, but maybe flesh out the paragraphs, unless you want the emphasis to be entirely on the protagaonist, describe the surounds, the colour of the sea and sky, the grass, the cliff, the rush of air as she falls and so on. draw your reader into the character and push them off along with her. make them feel the same instead of just telling them what it was like. You can tell a good story when it sends a frisson down your spine, as you can feel that very same emotion yourself, see that very same scene and know what's just around the corner...
'never underestimate the power of one'
know thineself, breathe deep, seek peace
thereisnosaurus, storyboard scrollkeeper
'outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read'
groucho marx
no mountain shall be too high, no valley too deep, no sight too dreadfull, no slope too steep. no light shall blind me, no darkness shall shroud me, no truth shall elude me, no lie shall decive me, no hate shall destroy me
I will be light
I will be darkness
I will be truth
I will be lies
but I will not hate. Love shall be my sword, honour my shield and the knowledge of my duty as strong as any armour'
the oath of the warrior
doyenne
Posts: 1003
(9/13/04 11:55 am)
Reply
Return to the Sea
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written for the Dinotopian holiday Return to the Sea. This is kind of alligorical and a little on the artsy fartsy side. Still, I'm happy with it, for the most part.
****
Drums, thunder from afar off call me. I hear them, leading me to the edge of a cliff.
The moon is bright, it's near full light bathing this emtpy world in marble blue. The once verdant grass is now silver in Lunas love.
An etherial figure dances before me, floating upon the light zephyr. She leaps beyond the edge of life, floating on the wings of the wind. Rainbows are in her eyes, stars are in her hair. I see the sun in her smile.
I knew her once. Before, she stayed in my dreams, where she belonged. It's just not right for her to hover there, pulling me into her arms and off into nothing.
Floating, flying, falling, she vanished, and I am visiting the sea.
The oceans mouth opens and swallows me. Cold jars me into the netherworld.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hawkeye's Hallucinations
The City of Mists The Waterfall City Registry The Realm of Role Play Journey to Dinotopia Art by Azonthus Hawkeye's Hallucination
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misty Mountain Nursery
ViraVRaptor
Administrator
I gots power
Posts: 145
(9/13/04 12:27 pm)
Reply Ooh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's really pretty, Azzy. And it gives me a nice piccy in my head when I read it.
More stories, want to see more stories from you, yes.
~ Chocolate Thief, that's what I am. I love choccy. Give me. Or I steal...er...borrow? *steals Azzy's chocolate and runs away laughing*
stefan de velociraptor
self-proclaimed
know-it-all
Posts: 59
(12/6/04 11:39 pm)
Reply
Re: Ooh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yes, very nice. The hint of the tragic is very pretty, but maybe flesh out the paragraphs, unless you want the emphasis to be entirely on the protagaonist, describe the surounds, the colour of the sea and sky, the grass, the cliff, the rush of air as she falls and so on. draw your reader into the character and push them off along with her. make them feel the same instead of just telling them what it was like. You can tell a good story when it sends a frisson down your spine, as you can feel that very same emotion yourself, see that very same scene and know what's just around the corner...
'never underestimate the power of one'
know thineself, breathe deep, seek peace
thereisnosaurus, storyboard scrollkeeper
'outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read'
groucho marx
no mountain shall be too high, no valley too deep, no sight too dreadfull, no slope too steep. no light shall blind me, no darkness shall shroud me, no truth shall elude me, no lie shall decive me, no hate shall destroy me
I will be light
I will be darkness
I will be truth
I will be lies
but I will not hate. Love shall be my sword, honour my shield and the knowledge of my duty as strong as any armour'
the oath of the warrior