Post by Azonthus on Mar 10, 2005 14:14:01 GMT -5
Eskara1862
doyenne
Posts: 991
(7/13/04 9:06 am)
Ancient Light
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cool and shining bright
Moon dances, high in the sky
Blue beams make magic.
Bright and glaring sun
Shines through my soul, clensing
Making me see light.
But, light has a twin
Darkness lurks within spirits
Pulling, whispering.
We all make a choice-
To follow the light or dark.
Some, tread inbetween.
Listen to the dancers
Who walk in light day and dark night.
They see what you can not.
I am a child of the light,
dancing the line of darkness,
Triumphing, falling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hawkeye's Hallucinations
The City of Mists The Waterfall City Registry The Realm of Role Play Journey to Dinotopia Art by Azonthus Hawkeye's Hallucination
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misty Mountain Nursery
stefan de velociraptor
self-proclaimed
know-it-all
Posts: 53
(12/6/04 11:00 pm)
Re: Ancient Light
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
very nice, and well finished as with all of your work azzy. Only two things can I find
triplets aren't the best format for poetry, as it leaves an unfulfilled air to the stanza. you might want to try re-arranging the poem in to quartets or sextuplets, maybe leave the ending as a couplet, it would work like that, leading to point b
as it stands, the ending stanza cuts of shortly. it doesn't flow particularly well. maybe add another word or two to the last line so it isn't like being hit over the head with a (excuse the pun) bible
'I am a child of the light
dancing the line between brightness and night
Triumphing, turning, Tumbling'
flows better. or you could even just add one more word between Triumphing and falling.
'never underestimate the power of one'
know thineself, breathe deep, seek peace
thereisnosaurus, storyboard scrollkeeper
'outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read'
groucho marx
no mountain shall be too high, no valley too deep, no sight too dreadfull, no slope too steep. no light shall blind me, no darkness shall shroud me, no truth shall elude me, no lie shall decive me, no hate shall destroy me
I will be light
I will be darkness
I will be truth
I will be lies
but I will not hate. Love shall be my sword, honour my shield and the knowledge of my duty as strong as any armour'
the oath of the warrior
doyenne
Posts: 991
(7/13/04 9:06 am)
Ancient Light
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cool and shining bright
Moon dances, high in the sky
Blue beams make magic.
Bright and glaring sun
Shines through my soul, clensing
Making me see light.
But, light has a twin
Darkness lurks within spirits
Pulling, whispering.
We all make a choice-
To follow the light or dark.
Some, tread inbetween.
Listen to the dancers
Who walk in light day and dark night.
They see what you can not.
I am a child of the light,
dancing the line of darkness,
Triumphing, falling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hawkeye's Hallucinations
The City of Mists The Waterfall City Registry The Realm of Role Play Journey to Dinotopia Art by Azonthus Hawkeye's Hallucination
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misty Mountain Nursery
stefan de velociraptor
self-proclaimed
know-it-all
Posts: 53
(12/6/04 11:00 pm)
Re: Ancient Light
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
very nice, and well finished as with all of your work azzy. Only two things can I find
triplets aren't the best format for poetry, as it leaves an unfulfilled air to the stanza. you might want to try re-arranging the poem in to quartets or sextuplets, maybe leave the ending as a couplet, it would work like that, leading to point b
as it stands, the ending stanza cuts of shortly. it doesn't flow particularly well. maybe add another word or two to the last line so it isn't like being hit over the head with a (excuse the pun) bible
'I am a child of the light
dancing the line between brightness and night
Triumphing, turning, Tumbling'
flows better. or you could even just add one more word between Triumphing and falling.
'never underestimate the power of one'
know thineself, breathe deep, seek peace
thereisnosaurus, storyboard scrollkeeper
'outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read'
groucho marx
no mountain shall be too high, no valley too deep, no sight too dreadfull, no slope too steep. no light shall blind me, no darkness shall shroud me, no truth shall elude me, no lie shall decive me, no hate shall destroy me
I will be light
I will be darkness
I will be truth
I will be lies
but I will not hate. Love shall be my sword, honour my shield and the knowledge of my duty as strong as any armour'
the oath of the warrior