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Post by Azonthus on Aug 9, 2005 12:54:26 GMT -5
Well, I typically wouldn't post something like this online, but I'm completely stumped for what to do with my boyfriend. That whole situation is kind of messed up. I had been at a wedding in Kentucky over the last weekend of July and when I got back, he came over and was chatting for a while. He called me at 7:10 on Sunday night. Now, church starts at 6 and Pastor rarely lets out that early. Mom told me to ask him if Pastor let out that early and he said no, that was when he went to the phone. So we asked if he had left the service early to call me. His response was "The only exercise you get is jumping to conclusions!" Mom was rather insulted. Later that night, he managed to insult my ponies. So, when I told him about it during a phone call the next day (one thing I really dislike about myself, I either don't realize it until the next day or don't do anything about it when I'm insulted/hurt) he was all "I can't help it if you're offended." To me, that shows that he just flat out doesn't care if I'm offended or not! Then, when the conversation started to get worse, I told him that I was very close to just hanging up and he said "you can if you want to." So, I did. Since then, he's tried making up to me, but he still hasn't apologized to either my mom or me. He made me pay for my tickets to the Irish festival and didn't buy me lunch there. I might be old fashioned, but I think he should have paid. But, last Sunday, he was really trying to make it up to me. I'm just so confused about what to do. GR! Why does love have to be so darn complicated?
To make matters stranger, I've been having dreams for the past couple of weeks about getting married. In every single one of them, I'm not ready for one reason or other. My parents weren't leaving early enough to get to the church on time, I haddn't had two hours before the wedding to pray, I wasn't dressed in my gown yet, the rings were missing... But, in every dream, I wanted to marry him and was trying my hardest to, but my parents kept stepping in the way or something kept stopping it.
*laughs* I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a blast analyzing those dreams.
So, any suggestions for what to do?
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Post by Vorchia on Aug 9, 2005 13:54:18 GMT -5
Well everyone has weird dreams about getting married... I know mom told me she dreamt the nice dress she had chosen wasn't ready when she went to pick it up and that she had to marry in this hideous orange thing in one of her pre-wedding dreams. She had a few others too but this is one of the more hillarious ones.
I already knew you're not quite ready for it, I mean you've made that clear in chats before. I also know that techinally, marriage isn't the wise thing to do if the any of the couple isn't ready or has doubts. I would not marry a guy if my mind was as full of doubt as yours is! Sure you like him but love, love is a blindfold. I'm amazed at how well you are capable to recognising a problem. Most people would be too blind to see and blow up should anyone dare to try to point it out!
That you dream of your parents stopping you from marrying I think is a reaction from your subconscious to your doubts about the relationship. You know your parents love you and have a less biased perspective enabling them to coolly observe and analyse the boyfriend. They will point out any disagreeable findings.
I can't tell you what to do, obviously. I would not want to give up easily but I'd also want whats best for me. I know how much happiness depends on making the right decision with love. It seems most long relationchips last if they have lasted the first 4 or 5 years. You're at 2 years now... Thats a lot but I could not say I'm 100% sure it'll last a lifetime. Marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, could your love last that long? As long as the answer is not a definitive heartfelt YES its not yet time to marry I'd think. If after two years I keep finding new things I don't like about him which he doesn't even recognise as a problem and he still doesn't either understand me or respect my oddities I'd probably break up and start looking for someone better. My idea of an ideal relationship is a sickeningly disgustingly romantic ideal: I'd want there to be mutual understanding and respect for each other's differences. A man can't force a woman to change and a woman can't force a man to change, it only leads to frustrations. Its a game of giving and taking in love, as the song says. But then again my idiotic ideals are probably the reason I'm STILL single (at 22) so they're hardly to be recommended at all unless you WANT to be very alone for the rest of your life.......
But its supposed to be possible..... ....Right?....
(God that wasn't me, PLEASE? I'm growing soft, ahhhhhh!)
But really, I could not tell you the right course of action or advise you much aside from just being here to listen, I'm afraid this is something one only you can figure out to your own satisfaction. I mean I don't even have a boyfriend and every time I feel lonely and long for one all I have to do is think of the trouble they invariably cause and think its easier to face the loneliness then it is to try to maintain a relationship. Its not so bad to be single!
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aric
demi-admin 
I drink your milkshake!
Posts: 989
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Post by aric on Aug 9, 2005 21:14:50 GMT -5
Well, I typically wouldn't post something like this online, but I'm completely stumped for what to do with my boyfriend. That whole situation is kind of messed up. I had been at a wedding in Kentucky over the last weekend of July and when I got back, he came over and was chatting for a while. He called me at 7:10 on Sunday night. Now, church starts at 6 and Pastor rarely lets out that early. Mom told me to ask him if Pastor let out that early and he said no, that was when he went to the phone. So we asked if he had left the service early to call me. His response was "The only exercise you get is jumping to conclusions!" Mom was rather insulted. Later that night, he managed to insult my ponies. So, when I told him about it during a phone call the next day (one thing I really dislike about myself, I either don't realize it until the next day or don't do anything about it when I'm insulted/hurt) he was all "I can't help it if you're offended." To me, that shows that he just flat out doesn't care if I'm offended or not! Then, when the conversation started to get worse, I told him that I was very close to just hanging up and he said "you can if you want to." So, I did. Since then, he's tried making up to me, but he still hasn't apologized to either my mom or me. Have you tried to find out what caused his rude behavior in the first place? From the way he seems to be trying to make it up, it seems he may have had a short period of st00pid take over his personality. I think this occasionally happens to guys. It may be something like PMS, except for guys... Anyway, it might be better to get to the root of the problem by asking if something was bothering him when he lashed out at you and your mom. Maybe he had a crisis of faith? Maybe he has family trouble of his own? Something had to be bugging him in order for him to go about like that, I think. Of course, the fact that he hasn't apologized is a bit odd. He could have at least put an explanation there. Maybe he's too embarrassed to explain what went wrong or what bothered him. He made me pay for my tickets to the Irish festival and didn't buy me lunch there. I might be old fashioned, but I think he should have paid. But, last Sunday, he was really trying to make it up to me. I'm just so confused about what to do. GR! Why does love have to be so darn complicated? To make matters stranger, I've been having dreams for the past couple of weeks about getting married. In every single one of them, I'm not ready for one reason or other. My parents weren't leaving early enough to get to the church on time, I haddn't had two hours before the wedding to pray, I wasn't dressed in my gown yet, the rings were missing... But, in every dream, I wanted to marry him and was trying my hardest to, but my parents kept stepping in the way or something kept stopping it. *laughs* I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a blast analyzing those dreams. So, any suggestions for what to do? Well, if he isn't open with you yet, then obviously marriage is out of the question. Maybe this incident simply induced that dream on you because you knew that at this point you're not ready for it. - Aric |
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Post by Azonthus on Aug 10, 2005 13:39:56 GMT -5
I already knew you're not quite ready for it, I mean you've made that clear in chats before. I also know that techinally, marriage isn't the wise thing to do if the any of the couple isn't ready or has doubts. I would not marry a guy if my mind was as full of doubt as yours is! You see, that's part of the problem for me. I can't tell if it's doubts or fear of such a huge change in my life. It could be fear of that rather gigantic change that is causing me to find flaws and maybe exaggerate them. Still, I'm not getting married any time soon. Not until I know for sure;) Sure you like him but love, love is a blindfold. I'm amazed at how well you are capable to recognising a problem. Most people would be too blind to see and blow up should anyone dare to try to point it out! I realize the 'love is a blindfold' thing and that's why I promised myself years ago that I would always listen to what people told me about whoever I was dating. They can see things that I can't because I'm too involved. That promise to myself is also part of the reason I posted here. Since my mom was the one offended in one of the instances, she may have a tiny bit of bias too. If after two years I keep finding new things I don't like about him which he doesn't even recognise as a problem and he still doesn't either understand me or respect my oddities I'd probably break up and start looking for someone better. These are things that bothered me when I started dating him. There are no new behaviors in the pattern, just new occurances of them. The question I have to ask myself and am still searching for an answer to is, Do I really want to put up with that for the rest of my life? My idea of an ideal relationship is a sickeningly disgustingly romantic ideal: I'd want there to be mutual understanding and respect for each other's differences. A man can't force a woman to change and a woman can't force a man to change, it only leads to frustrations. Its a game of giving and taking in love, as the song says. But then again my idiotic ideals are probably the reason I'm STILL single (at 22) so they're hardly to be recommended at all unless you WANT to be very alone for the rest of your life....... Usually, that's the way it is for us... But its supposed to be possible..... ....Right?.... (God that wasn't me, PLEASE? I'm growing soft, ahhhhhh!) Haha! *poke* Soft;) Don't give up on the dream. Otherwise, YOU won't be happy in any relationship! It IS possible; it just takes a lot of time and patience.
Have you tried to find out what caused his rude behavior in the first place? *snorts* He thought he was being funny. There wasn't anything to do with family/faith/life that made him act like that other than he thought he was being funny. That's why I'm ticked off about the whole not apologizing thing. From the way he seems to be trying to make it up, it seems he may have had a short period of st00pid take over his personality. I think this occasionally happens to guys. It may be something like PMS, except for guys... Somethimes, I think guys go through temporary brain loss. Don't know what their excuse would be though... Anyway, it might be better to get to the root of the problem by asking if something was bothering him when he lashed out at you and your mom. Maybe he had a crisis of faith? Maybe he has family trouble of his own? Something had to be bugging him in order for him to go about like that, I think. Like I said, he thought he was being funny. There are just times he can be so RUDE! He thinks he's being cute and ends up insulting people. I can't think of a single friend of mine that he has met and hasn't insulted. I don't want to make excuses for him, but there is more good than bad. That's why I don't break up with him. Well, if he isn't open with you yet, then obviously marriage is out of the question. Maybe this incident simply induced that dream on you because you knew that at this point you're not ready for it. The thing is, he's very open with me about everything. I can't think of any secrets that we keep from each other. We tell each other everything. *smiles* You don't have to worry about this raptor getting married any time soon  It'll be at least another two years. I want to finish school first and I do know that most relationships will end after 4-5 years. I'd rather spend that time dating and not married. Breaking up with a boyfriend is WAY easier than a divorce! Besides, once I get married, it will be for life. I'm not going to do the divorce thing unless there were some serious issues. Thanks for all the help guys=) I really appreciate it. |
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Post by Vorchia on Aug 10, 2005 14:36:39 GMT -5
"I can't tell if it's doubts or fear of such a huge change in my life." Isn't fear born from doubt? Once you have complete faith and trust, you'll fear it no more. Yes fear can lead to exaggeration but up to now, you've always been doing an amazing job managing to put eveyrthing in perspective and deal with it. You're doing great, better then most girls with boyfriends I know. >There are no new behaviors in the pattern, just new > occurances of them. I know. Its up to you. If he doesn't want to listen to reason and the trouble will not stop, maybe you need a break, a short breakup of a week or something to sort out your mind? > Do I really want to put up with that for the rest of my life? I wouldn't... I want a man who can make me happy and treat other people with respect. >Usually, that's the way it is for us... I guess..... I can't find it over HERE though. >Haha! *poke* Soft;) Busted..... Stop poking, your claws are sharp. ;D >It IS possible; it just takes a lot of time and patience. Yes mom, thanks mom....... *runs* >Somethimes, I think guys go through temporary brain >loss. Don't know what their excuse would be though... Its chromosomal, they have one good X chromosome and one mutilated one. (Gentlemen, I'm kidding, please don't be too insulted.) >We tell each other everything. Everything?  ?? He knows everything? 'He knopws about the icecube thing? I'm dead now. LOL (The icecube incident was an extremely embarassing encounter of me with the langfuage barrier) > I want to finish school first and I do know that most relationships will end after 4-5 years. Dude... Why do you ask us for advice at all? It doesn't look like anything me or Aric are saying is news to you, all you need is some confirmations from a bunch of T of P lunatics.  >Thanks for all the help guys=) I really appreciate it. You're welcome. |
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RedFeather
Junior Scholar
*flap, flap, flap!*
Posts: 423
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Post by RedFeather on Aug 10, 2005 21:53:25 GMT -5
I feel that he was unnecissarily rude to you. Sure, we all have our bad moments and all, but is this something you notice often? If he's in an upset mood or just... off and he goes off and you and says it's your fault for feeling insulted, and is often rude to you, then in my humble opinion, I'd look elsewhere. Because this is often a cycle, and the person most likely will not change for you.
Is there some sort of cause for his rudeness? Yes, I know the others have asked you that. But, really... is there anything going on in his life that is stressing him out, or worrying him, which might cause him to act in this manner? Or is he perhaps mad at you for some reason, and doesn't want to talk to you about it? Or... something? I, personally, think you should sit down and talk to him, honestly and peacefully. And if he doesn't wish to do this, and is continuously rude to you, then perhaps suggest to him that you will have to go elsewhere.
You don't want to be with someone for the rest of your life (in the event that you are seriously considering marriage), who goes off on you and is rude, and can't offer you a shoulder to cry on. That is what love is all about. Sure, there will be spats and differences now and then, but will he always come back to you in the end? Will he always care deeply about you, like you do for him? Love is not a one-way street. In order for it to work, both parties must work at it.
Your dream makes me think that perhaps things are moving too fast for you. Perhaps you both need to slow down and focus on being with one another as friends, dates, or boyfriend-girlfriend for a while longer, before considering anything more serious. Because when things move too quickly, often people misunderstand each other, and each other's intentions, and things go all haywire.
Best wishes, though.
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It'll be at least another two years. I want to finish school first and I do know that most relationships will end after 4-5 years. I'd rather spend that time dating and not married. Breaking up with a boyfriend is WAY easier than a divorce! Besides, once I get married, it will be for life. I'm not going to do the divorce thing unless there were some serious issues.
?? He knows everything? 'He knopws about the icecube thing? I'm dead now. LOL 
